The letter

29 Jul

This is a continuation of “Central Booking;” please see previous blog post.

Marcus lowered his head and dejectedly followed Mr. Mason down the hall and into another room with a long wooden table and they sat down across from each other.  As the old crusty man with thinning dark hair began rifling through his briefcase for a legal pad and pen, he rambled on in monotone about Marcus always getting into trouble and never learning his lesson.

Bob Mason’s voice started out sharp in Marcus’ ears but quickly became more of a muffled sound as it drowned into the back of his thoughts and Marcus’ eyes glazed over and he fell into a trance.  He twidled his thumbs under the table as his mind drifted back to Carrie again…

Marcus hadn’t realized just how much she meant to him until she had slipped through his fingers six months ago.  And, now, more than anything, he desperately wanted to retrieve the worn down handwritten letter he’d never given to her that he always kept in his wallet and read it for some sort of comfort.  However, though he couldn’t get his hands on the letter now, he had taken so long to write it and read it over and over for the past six months that it was committed to his memory.

It had read: “Carrie, I have so many things to say to you that I have no idea where to start.  Every time I am around you, I am blindsided by your beauty and amazed by your sparkling personality!  When we first met, I was such a shy sheltered person but you have shown me so many ways to enjoy life.  We have shared so many good times together and I anxiously await more good times to come!  I feel like you complete my world and I long to make you feel the same way.  I actually can’t imagine my life without you and hope to spend the rest of it with you!  I hope that this all isn’t overwhelming to you but if I don’t say it, I will regret it.  Love always, Marcus”.

Just recalling his emotions from writing the letter and how different things were now was enough to bring tears to Marcus’ eyes.  But, as his eyes welled up, he quickly took a deep breath and shook his head and wiggled his neck in an effort to come back to reality.  Just then, he noticed Bob Mason leaning forward over the table with his glasses pulled low on his nose and looking at him questioningly with his pen poised over the pad.  Hmmm, what had the question been, Marcus wondered as he realized that he had no idea what his lawyer had been discussing with him for the past five minutes…

The prompt this week for Write on Edge was to write a scene, fiction or memoir, involving a hand-written letter.  I found it convenient to continue my story of poor Marcus stuck in the holding cell trying to piece together the events and learn his fate.  I hope you’ve enjoyed reading.

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4 Responses to “The letter”

  1. Pat July 29, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

    You’re an excellent writer! You could turn this into a novel.

  2. shelton keys dunning July 30, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

    I enjoyed the scene. The voice is strong and the tone is perfectly cast.

    Some minor concrit: ” As the old crusty man with thinning dark hair began rifling through his briefcase for a legal pad and pen, he rambled on in monotone about Marcus always getting into trouble and never learning his lesson.” Commas I tend to overdo, so don’t quote me on this, but for each adjective in a row there should be a comma. “old, crusty” and “thinning, dark”. I’d change the order from old crusty to crusty, old. Old crusty conjures an image of someone with scales instead of an abrasive personality. And since this is in Marcus POV, the ending phrase of the sentence reads awkwardly. Try “he lectured in monotone about lessons never learned and the pitfalls of poor judgment.”

    Also, try flipping the passive voice to an active voice. While technically correct, passive past tense can drag a piece down with an abundance of “had”. ie:. “Marcus hadn’t realized just how much she meant to him until she had slipped through his fingers six months ago. ” Try: “Marcus only realized how much she meant to him when she slipped thought his fingers six months ago.” And I’d remove the “It had read”. You don’t really need it there.

    Just suggestions for when you revisit if your goal is to take his complete story further.

    I love where you’re taking poor Marcus. His confusion is artfully laced with shock and disbelief. Excellent job!

  3. Kevin July 31, 2012 at 12:57 am #

    I loved it! More please!

  4. Wisper August 2, 2012 at 2:23 pm #

    Nice job. I agree with some of the tweaks that Shelton suggested. Don’t get me wrong, though, I love where you’re going with this. His pain and subsequent choices are well expressed and easy to relate to.

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